Faith – Lead me to my purpose

I walked into the loving arms of my father, God, through his son and my savior Jesus Christ in the Winter 2014. Over the years, even before I had understood what it meant to be a Christian, I have heard many testimonies from converts. Both old faith walkers and the newly converted. fresh out of the holy water so to speak. 

So many people have testimonies that show a significant change in their lives that are tangible to those who know them. Maybe they were in active addiction or dealing with an abusive spouse. You know, really trying things. Really difficult things. My story was pretty boring in comparison. Unless you note my perverted since of humor an terrible tendency to cuss, ALL OF THE TIME, my visible changes weren’t as pronounced.

I was 32 years old and I had known about Jesus for as long as I could remember. I grew up in a Christian Baptist family, but we weren’t very close. My mom’s father was indeed a Baptist preacher and I was the preacher’s granddaughter, however, I wasn’t a follower of Christ, just “religious.” 

As I grew older and felt wiser, I became disheartened with the church due to hypocrisy and values that I didn’t feel reflected on my own. I felt that the God I knew in my heart couldn’t and wouldn’t be as he was represented in my church and the many churches I visited in search of a church home and family. I gave up and built an individual relationship with God and I felt content with that decision for 15 years. I use the word “relationship” incredibly loosely. 

 There is much required, but it’s nothing in comparison to what I’m given. However, faith is complicated.


Newish stuff brings newish experiences

While nothing dramatic had occurred, nothing dramatically progressed either. I was stuck. I’d be in a relationship for 21 years with my elementary school boyfriend. We were shaking up and living in sin. The saddest part is if I’d died at any point during that relationship I’d be sent directly to hell not ever knowing what true love between adults was like.

I mean if you are going to risk it all, it may as well be epic, right? Well, it wasn’t.


He wasn’t happy either and it ended. It was mostly mutual with some bitter moments, but it was over and I was terrified. I mean 31 was right around the corner and I had no idea how to date but I knew I wanted to have more children. 

You heard me right. I said more. The best part of my former relationship was the adoption of my son, his baby brother. We co-parent him currently and I love his problematic teenage self to death. But… One just wasn’t gonna be enough. 

So I buckled down on losing weight, dating and starting up my digital marketing agency. Soon enough I as in a hot, heavy and HELLA SINFUL relationship with my now-husband. He was far closer to the Lord than I was but wasn’t exactly on track. 

Despite our lack of commitment to our “faith” my then-boyfriend was attending a church that he seemed inexplicably attached to. He didn’t even wanna get together on Sundays. 

Still, though, we found ourselves pregnant within just a few months of knowing each other. We lost that baby immediately after finding out I was pregnant. So you’d think I’d focus on God. NOPE. I wanted a baby more than ever then. So back on the saddle, I went, and soon after… I was pregnant again. This time all seemed well.

Unfortunately, we would go on to lose that child also, but this time we were nearly six months along. A time where things seemed so much surer. I’d just celebrated my 32nd birthday and found out the gender as a gift to myself. We were going to be parents to a baby girl. 

Surely a spiritual attack

At the time we were incredibly hurt and trying to hold ourselves together. I was bitter and resentful. I started drinking a lot of wine and taking Benadryl to sleep. Why had this happened? My thought is because my husband and I had decided to turn away from sin and go with God. To surrender our lives to him. To repent and change our ways. 

No sooner than we stopped engaging in premarital sex (even though we were already pregnant, and very interested in one another) and I began the process at our church to be baptized, this incredibly painful incident happened. 

I believe that the enemy knew how much we wanted that child, and thought by taking her that we would fall off course from our pursuit. In reality, it was all I had. My husband had his challenges and was dealing with the loss quietly but obviously. I, on the other hand, was a mess outside of the highly coveted time I had going through my church’s process for baptism with my mentor in Christ. 

I kept seeking God even in my sorrow and self-medicating. I honestly can’t tell you how long I was in mourning, but it still hurts, just not as unbearable. 

Once I was baptized in the winter of 2014, I was a ball of energy, buzzing with my newfound connection to Christ. The church was growing and my pastor was always on fire for the lord. I have so much gratitude for the church that fostered my relationship with Christ. 

I’s married now

In Feb of 2015, I got married. Yes. My most difficult challenge with sin was sexual immorality. Porn, fornication, and a host of other sins. I thought that I had put those things behind me, but… SPOILER ALERT. I’m still a lustful, hypersexual woman who has a blessed outlet for these things, but what happens when life gets in the way of your need to feed the beast? LOL, We’ll have to dig into this later. 

It’s been a real blessing having the lord’s favor in my life. It’s amazing the room he has in his heart. It makes it glaring obvious just how much more room for growth I have in all areas of my life. 

I have a couple of goals that I’d like to hit: 

  1. Read the bible – Well reading and hearing the word feeds one’s faith. It’s a gift to know the Lord and he gave us a bible to do so. I think about how often people gripe that there isn’t a manual for this or that, but we have a huge manual and we may never read it. So I need to get on it. I’m thinking devotionals may be a good start. 
  2. Find a church home – So, we had lived in the Roger’s Park neighborhood and attended a lovely church there. After the pastor that founded the location that I attended retired and moved out of state, I didn’t feel like it was a great fit for my family and I any longer. To add to those doubts, we then moved to the south side for the first time. Having a church home is critical, however, I’ve procrastinated on it forever. I hate the idea of meeting new people. I get terrible social anxiety when met with a larger group of new people. So please pray for me as I push myself to go visiting. 

I need to get myself together.