Family: On the Matter of Submission

I want to open this post up by first admitting that I’m a liar. Yep. I’ve lied to my friends, family, my husband and worst of all, myself. I’m a 37 African American woman raised by a single African American woman, who was raised by her aunt, another African American woman, though married, clearly was the head of her household. 

My WHOLE LIFE, I’ve been raised to believe that a woman’s independence is all she has. I mean, I can’t blame my ancestors. Look at the mess when all the leading is left up to the men. Even though I was raised with these value systems and in my relationships before my marriage, I was submitting to no one and leading my home. I wasn’t a great leader. 

I was often aggressive without it being warranted. Not only that, I was verbally abusive, and I wasn’t a boss, just bossy. Looking back, I’m ashamed of this person. Just because you are a woman in a relationship that doesn’t believe in submission, doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk. I was a jerk. 

New Bae, New B

When I met my husband, I wanted to be different. I was also less attracted to men who would follow me instead of leading me. I started to fall in love with the idealistic “good man,” who would be a great and loving leader. To be honest, I WAS SOOOO TIRED of being with someone and still having to figure everything out. I started to desire less of the burden. 

I know you are probably thinking, well how about 50/50? I don’t want that either. I want a man to do stereotypical stuff. Take out the trash, pump the gas, mow the lawn, fight off a bear, and bust a cap in the likes of anyone who threatens his family. 

I wanted him to lead us in our journey in faith by example. You know, pray with us, lead us in bible study, and worship openly. All-in-all, I just wanted a man who was capable of leading and wanted to lead. 

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

Colossians 3:18 King James Bible

If it doesn’t make money it doesn’t make CENTS (he-he)

Before giving my life to Christ, when I’d hear men complaining about the attitudes of their women and the lack of submission, I’d always retort…

Present me with a biblical man capable of honoring his place, and I’ll happily submit. 

Interestingly enough I still feel this way. COVID-19 has turned a lot of things upside down. I used to work way more than any healthy human should work. I’d always been happy doing it though because I was able to fund my lifestyle. 

My husband works and is great with managing money, but I’d always worked any hour that I didn’t need to sleep to take us the extra mile. I’ve always been pretty aggressive about acquiring money, and I’ve been VERY proud of it also. 

Now, there is very little work for me to do outside our home. So, as I’ve become a full-fledged housewife. I’ve been working on finding a job and applying for any programs that would help with the financial impact COVID-19 has had. 

Here is a shortlist:

  • Public Aid
  • Unemployment
  • EIDL
  • PPP
  • Business For All
  • Red Backpack 

And even the things that should have been a YES haven’t come through. COVID-19 has stripped me of my protective shield of financial independence. 

Now I’m ready to fight

We are now a single income household, with more going out than what’s coming in, and my husband whom I used to be MOSTLY happy to submit to is now a BASTARD. LOL Yep, I said it. 

He is on me about the one thing I spend money on. Our groceries. Demanding that I spend less and consider our financial situation. Because I knew that I was right, I was fighting with him about it all the time. 

I’d reach out to friends and google about this issue and all of my friends and the women of the internet have had this issue. They stood their ground and their husbands left them alone. Initially, I was ready for the fight. I was sick of hearing this feedback over something that we needed. I was in angst over the subject because the tension as a result of the fighting was more than I wanted to live with. 

One day I was sitting on my sofa after more than a week of fighting when I decided to just submit. I had come to realize that I didn’t have a problem with submission as long as everything in our lives was abundant. 

In one of my other posts, I shared what I learned when we bought a house. What I neglected to share was that I was ready to divorce my husband because, in my opinion, he was MESSING UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET A FRIGGIN HOUSE! And if he didn’t get it together, I would never forgive him. 

So when I talk about struggling to submit when things are not in abundance I mean an abundance of resources, finances, time, room for error, love, respect, joy, opportunity, any lack and asking me to submit will be a problem. I honestly didn’t realize that I too, struggle with submission, because we rarely lack an abundance of things. 

And There lies the LIE!

Don’t it anyway, Sis. I’m still spiritually immature and I have a pretty young marriage. I just want to share that every time I submitted to my husband those choices have been blessed. 

What I have come to learn about submission is that it has less to do with obedience to my husband and more to do with trusting God. 


Even when my husband isn’t the ideal biblical God seeking man, I can be that woman. All those hours of working to get money to upkeep our lifestyle is no longer an option. And guess what. Nothing has fallen apart. I kept thinking that I was the one who was “securing the bag.” God said THAT WAS A LIE (in my Murray Povich voice). 

I am not in control. God is in control and provides me with all the things that I need and even some of the things that I want. That’s not to say that hard work and determination aren’t required to see some success. Faith without works is dead. 

Being a grownup, capable of making decisions independently, makes submission a challenge. It’s even harder when your partner isn’t living up to what you require to submit graciously. Keep in mind that no matter what your spouse chooses to do, GOD HAS YOUR BACK!